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Cosmopolitan Articles I Would Write

thefrenemy:

As a full-time freelance writer and part-time lady, I feel like I am completely qualified to write for Cosmopolitan magazine. For instance, like a human or maybe an intelligent monkey, I can type nonsense into my computer at any given time! Furthermore, like a human with breasts and a sassy hairstyle, I can translate that nonsense into female-centric ragtime! Here are some of the articles I would pitch if given the chance:

• Tomatoes! The SEXY food? Eat a bunch of tomatoes and squirt them all over your face when they are in the off-season months, so they will be mealy and you will be prettier than them. Men will flock to you like wildebeests, ravaging you and licking the tiny squishy seeds off your face. Bonus tip: try them on a salad and watch your girl friends go wild! Wild will be the theme of this article.
• Quiz: Are You TOO Ugly? Questions would include (a) Are you an independent thinker and if you answer yes, that’s the end of the quiz and the magazine will delightfully catch fire.
•  Skirts and Shit! What will be hailed as the most “deserving of an Edward R. Murrow award more than Edward himself” because LOL it’s really Robert Pattinson, this will be a parade of ladies in various skirts that are short. Some of the skirts will be paired with sensible tights. Then ANOTHER skirt will be calf-length, because 1 out of 46 ladies has a job. This will be my article about skirts. 
• It’s Not Love If You Didn’t Meet At A Sports Bar: Alicia Jorgenson thought she had a happy relationship with her partner Jake, a philanthropist who saves baby elephants, until she realized she didn’t meet him at happy hour cocktails with her girLLLZ. Alicia Jorgenson then bludgeons her boyfriend to death and meets Mike, an ex-rugby player who rated her ass “3 out of 4 Bud Lights.”
• Doctors Say WHAT?!??!?! I found this doctor who wrote this book with a title that is probably “It’s Not A Break Up Until He Breaks You Emotionally” and SHE says that if we don’t keep our shoulders visible with the right top, we’ll get a very rare uterus disease. That disease is called SAD UTERUS, and it’s serious, because it makes your uterus cry and keeps Katherine Heigl movies in constant production.
• Sex Position #23564, The K.O. You’ve played Mortal Kombat, right? This is an homage to that game, but you just wrap your legs so tightly around him in the shower (the number two best place to have sex) that he stops breathing and then some guy yells “FINISH HIM” and you chop his head off after he’s found your g-spot. Which reminds me…
• The G-Stop!!!!! You’ll get that little pun after I explain it to you. The G-Stop is a play on words of the illustrious g-spot, which is this thing ladies have when she wears an expensive teddy and marries her boyfriend. It only works 15 times in your entire life, so if you’ve USED it, you eventually lose it. I know, I know, it’s been rumored that if you DON’T use it you lose it, but that’s just a tricksy to expose the harlots.
• Lesbians and How Guys Think They Are Sexy: 37 stories of how you made out with your friend in college and this doesn’t mean anything except one day you will experience a Bridges of Madison County type scenario where a hot old person will come to you house when your hubby’s away and you’ll make love and they’ll leave and it’ll be a WOMAN!
• Taylor Swift’s Makeup: In which I examine Taylor Swift’s makeup and cite various sources about what this means for the potential economic upturn. Trend: what does red lipstick say about health insurance for the unemployed?
• Channing Tatum’s abs: It’s a scratch and sniff picture, and you scratch it and you smell your cat’s litterbox in your bathroom.
• Woman and Stuff: A three sentence column where I say something viable about women’s health/women’s issues, right underneath a giant article about how to make your breasts smell like lavender. Hint: grow lavender and wear it under your breasts all day.
• I’m Jeremy, and I am “Your Man”: In the shocking article of the century, I meet up with everyman Jeremy McCarthy, the guy they are referring to whenever they say “your man” in any Cosmopolitan article. “I’m just a dude,” he says. “I didn’t know this would get so out of hand.”
• Are your friends talking behind your back? The word yes will appear in this article almost 900 times.
• Pictures of Girls Crying: A subtle reminder of what can happen if you put your foot down in a relationship, or do other stuff like wear patterns with a chunky necklace or forget to Google Alert Zac Efron.
• The Final Definitive Answer on How To Be The Sexiest: This title will be on the cover but then all of those pages will be ripped out in every magazine ever and all the girls will explode.
• Dick: AWWWWWWWWWWW YEAHHHHHHHHH
• 4 Things That Freak Men Out Every Time: The article where I reveal that men are in fact just skittish dogs, and so you shouldn’t have thunderstorms or vacuum cleaners or scary strangers around them ever. The fourth thing is loving him TOO much, which is when you accidentally pay attention to him the way you might a friend, like when you invite him out in public.
• But I Am The Way I AM: Laila Johnson is exactly the way she is, and that is why she’s such a boring, idiotic person. 
• Dying Alone. Is it for me? A cute little sunshiney blurb on the art of the 3 lb. weight loss. Tip One: It’s not hard to do ab crunches in a room MADE FOR ONE.
• The MOST Embarrassing Story: This one couple got caught having sex in her parent’s beach house by her parents, and it was so much more mortifying than any story you’ll EVER tell, because her parents are strict Catholics. Therefore, no more embarrassing stories can ever be told again, because this one couple got caught doin’ it in Martha’s Vineyard.
• Got A Crush? Here’s Some Subtle Signs That He Doesn’t Like You: He blinks being the number one reason why he might not like you.
• Shave Your Legs: A cute Raymond Carver-esque “slice of life” piece about shaving your legs.
• Reiterate: The Dick! YEAH! Put that thing all over you!